Yesterday is Forever Gone, but Today I will Look Ahead

When we initially started trying to conceive Torin, I told everyone we were going to try for a baby. Most of our dear friends, Kurt and Debbie, Eric and Amber, Chris and Melissa, Anne and Josh, etc. already had their first baby or one on the way. In hindsight that was a big mistake. Little did we know it'd take a year of medication, procedures, ultrasounds, and countless negative pregnancy tests for our miracle to happen. And then it did. December 9, 2007, will forever be a magical day when that test finally turned postive and 9 months later my little boy would come into the world on August 7, 2008.
We decided to start trying to give this little boy a brother or sister the second time around and keep it a secret initially because I didn't want people wondering if I was pregnant yet or wondering how to ask the questions of "How I'm doing?" To my avail, Torin hit one and everyone asks the question of when the next one is coming anyways, so what the heck.

We chose to bypass all of the crap we went through the last time and call up my WONDERFULLY AMAZING fertility specialist and get the ball rolling. I took the drugs, I had the ultrasounds, I did the procedures (exactly as we did with Torin when we got pg), spent the ridiculous amount of money it takes to get pregnant for me and yesterday.....I got yet another NEGATIVE pregnancy test. We did everything right...everything we were supposed to do, yet NEGATIVE.

Yesterday I cried...sobbed actually to my wonderful Mom and Husband for the majority of the day and night. Why me? constantly ran through my mind. When I received the negative tests before Torin, I always gave myself one day to throw a pity party for myself and then move on. I had hoped the pity party wouldn't be needed the second time around. Unfortunately, this seems to not be the case. Yesterday was my pity party and I took full advantage...as evidence by the huge bottle of wine that now sits empty on the island in the kitchen (Paul did help some with that).

My point...I needed to be able to call my family and friends yesterday to tell them what happened. I needed the support. I picked up the phone and realized I could only call my mom because I had only told her last week when my parents were visiting. I picked up the phone to call Tracey, Anne, Debbie, etc. and alas closed the lid because no one knew I began the battle again.

Will we try again this month? I don't know. I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around the disappointment and hurt that comes with another negative test. But what I do know is, for me, my friends and family need to know what is going on because I want to have someone to call when things do work out and when they don't.

So...maybe this is my 12-step program...:)

Step 1 -Hello, my name is Carrie and for some reason God will not yet disclose to me, I struggle with getting pregnant.

Step 2 - I'm still working on bypassing step 1. But when I do, I'll let you know.

Today the pity party is over. I have a beautiful, healthy 13 month old little boy that I rocked and gave milk to this morning and thanked God for. I have a wonderful husband whom I kissed goodbye before I went to work and thanked God for.

Yesterday was the bottom, but today I look forward to great things in the future.